Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
