How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
