Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
