You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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