K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
