So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
