you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
Randomize
