new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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