im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
