this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Randomize
