I wish my penis had an off switch
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
