Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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