Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
