So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize