Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Sex in the backyard? Check.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
