I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
