as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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