She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
