I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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