mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
