I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize