I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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