You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Dick very happy bro
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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