Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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