I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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