So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
