Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
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