my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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