I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
