can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
