he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
