I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
