Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
