this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
