My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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