A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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