I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize