"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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