He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
