I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
