wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
