All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
He passed out mid-signature
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
