I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sext me about skeletons
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
