Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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