Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
