I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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