somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
