I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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