I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
