I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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