Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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