I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
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