So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
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