I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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