Moan for me like Helen Keller
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
