I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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