Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just pee around me
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
