I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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