I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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