It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
