I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
