True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
