i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
